Podcast
Daily Life Talks
and the aftermath of suicide.
And life lessons.
Learning how to live again is a roller coaster ride from hell.
MY ARTICLES
Grief & Exercise
Everytime I start working out, two weeks in, I quit. I quit on me. These past 4 weeks I have been getting up at 5:10am every morning. I started off biking, then I moved up to kettlebell workouts. I only lost 5 lbs.
BUT I gained......
the knowledge that I would look forward to getting up. I challenged myself to mentally change on how I looked at/talked to myself. I am gaining myself back. Setbacks happen, don't let it snowball. As a former wanna be trainer, I am thrilled at what I can do at home.
What I lost is nothing compared to what I have gained. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be strong, mentally strong, and kick my own ass. This is grief recovery. This is learning to live. This is learning not to use the excuse I am grieving not to do anything for myself. This is learning to be ok with the slow process. This is my life. The mental hurdles are hard af! I am learning to jump over those mental hurdles like a mofo!
Do something for your mental health! You will thank yourself later! #liveforgrayson #griefrecovery #griefjourney
This is My Life
This picture is me on the inside.
This is how I feel today.
This is how I feel every day.
It is a typical Murphy's Law Monday. I woke up in a pissy mood. I feel fat as a damn cow. My pants ripped. I feel like I have too much to do and not enough time. The holiday stress has hit hard. I am tired of hearing people bitch about the holidays. I am tired of missing my son. I am tired.
I am just tired!
I am not asking for sympathy. I am not asking for your prayers. I am not wanting you to stop enjoying your holiday season. I am not asking anything of you. I just want you to see how your life could be if you don't COMMUNICATE YOUR REAL FEELINGS!!! THIS IS WHAT SUICIDE DOES TO YOUR LIFE!
You see this transparency? Don't look away! Life is hard when you live with a stone in your heart. That weight blocks a lot in your life. I want this journey to end.
I am so tired.
Laundry
Crying over a simple laundry basket.????
These are his clothes that I haven't touched in 2 years. I was afraid to touch them, to lose his smell, for it to be final....no more of his life that he lived.
Crying at the washing machine is a part of my life. This the aftermath of suicide.
Please know I rather hug you with dirty clothes then wash them because you are gone forever! YOU REALLY DO MATTER! Today is a challenge, tomorrow is a new beginning!
#liveforgrayson #suicideaftermath #suicideprevention #youmatter #stayalivechallengeaccepted
Graduation
All week I was ok. I knew this day was coming. It made me sad and then yesterday I had to go to Publix to pick a couple of things. It hit right in the middle of the store. All the graduate balloons, parents getting party stuff, it all sucked.
As I am walking to my car, two little boys were excited and eagerly playing with a toy bull horn that made siren noises. All little boys love this stuff! Unfortunately for me, this is what PTSD looks like. I barely made it to my car before I lost it. The anxiety, the cannot breathe, the screaming, the tears, it is all a nightmare.
This morning thinking I am going to hold myself together and ambulances full siren racing towards me on my way to work. Thank god for a short commute.
I should be watching my son walk across that stage. I should be screaming for excitement that he made it. But tonight I get to see an empty chair with a robe draped over it.
These are the moments that I fight so hard. These are the moments that I am the weakest. These are the moments where I think I can't live anymore. The pain is so overwhelming. The thoughts overwhelm my heart and it wants to stop beating.
ON A GOOD NOTE*
I am so damn proud of all Grayson Coopers' friends graduating and getting ready to ship off to boot camp! I know he is with all of them.
Congratulations to all graduating class of 2021. Be proud of what you have survived!
